Autism, Assholes and Cancer

I've been absent lately and to my readers I am sorry. Over the last year I have been battling cervical cancer, depression and my OCD, Anxiety and PTSD are all at their highest. It's been a challenging stretch of road... Shame and fear isolated me and when my best friend turned their back on me....And my children, my heart broke even more and I isolated deeper.

If it wasn't for my love, Thomas and my two beautiful girls I couldn't tell you where I would be. I'm still fighting, I'm still haunted by the crippling thoughts of what if I am taken from my girls before they are ready...before I am ready. I can't describe the way it feels to look at your autistic daughter and worry what might happen to her when you're old and physically can't do it anymore, or when you've parted from this world...but even worse is worrying you might not be around sooner than you thought and your faced with those fears now, your 8 year old and 4 year old
... the thought of leaving your children before they are ready or old enough to understand is absolutely heartbreaking and terrifying, I'm not ready to go into it. I can't bare the thought but deep down I know that it is a reality and it's a fate I will fight against and win or I will fight it until my last breath exhales from my lungs, until my heart beats it's last beat, all the way until the last electrical impulse in my brain fires, I will fight.

I am confident I will conquer these challenges but I'm a realist and I know that the possibility of the darker outcome is a reality. But I will fight to be there for both of my girls. I will fight for milestones, and time, driving lessons, school acheivments and graduations, proms, and heartbreaks, college or travels, wedding bells and grandchildren. I will fight for my days with my soulmate, more dates with him, more adventures, I won't give up on that vision of two old bastards in rocking chairs on a porch by a lake somewhere.

When I get really low in these thoughts I take comfort in knowing if it does go this way that my girls have the dad they do. A dad who is not afraid to play princess tea party, or style their hair or sport a my little pony backpack at the beach. A dad who helps with laundry, and bath time, that can fix things and make smiling pancakes for breakfast....gosh I love that man, and they have the grandparents they do too, two of the most wonderful grandparents a child could ever be lucky enough to have. It eases my fear a little but honestly still doesn't ease the pain that is felt while pondering such a morbid fate. I will look to the brighter alternative and I find much comfort there, I believe in myself and I choose to stay positive.

It's been a long while since I've sat and wrote. Writing has always been and is my release, it's my passion, my art. It's been what gets me through some pretty dark days. Lately I've been too depressed, too sick, or too consumed by pain caused by the actions of others to do it but I've had enough and today I'm writing again and I can already feel a sense of release, a sort of light glowing and growing inside of me again. I'm someone who caretakes, counsels, comforts...everyone else but me that is. I spend all my time and energy on others I forget to stop and be there for myself. I don't usually share my problems or internal demons because I've always been the one to comfort and listen to others, and I just push my stuff aside and deal...that is not healthy, and I am making an effort to change that. Everyone thinks im strong, i guess i am but the problem with that is when you're the strong one there is no one checking up on you or asking if you're alright. Everyone just kind of assumes you are. In the past anytime I have tried to open up or needed some one they either were unavailable or they just flat out didn't listen, so it made me stop trying. It made me feel unimportant or like a drama queen, like I'm weak.

No one knows the dark roads I've traveled by myself, the storm's I've weathered alone, no one knows the heartache I've felt, no one knows, not even the ones closest to me. Few people understand what it means to really be there for somebody. And that’s the toughest part about being on a journey, you realize the main ones that said they will ride with you, are the first ones to jump off. People make promises when the sun is shining and then make excuses when the storm comes. That’s why I am always thankful for the rain, it has a tendency to wash away what is unnecessary. The reality is, you could be amazing, genuine and sincere but still be overlooked. Having a good thing is so hard because meeting a strong person is so rare. So I’ve learned to understand when people run from me, don't chase after them. No matter how hard, no matter how good they are at faking they care.

Madasun still paces looking for our friend, she is cut of a similar cloth than I and her autism makes her even more sensitive, she doesn't understand why people leave. She knows she loves someone and now they are gone. Watching her heart break in silence over it kills me and infuriates me. Some people don't understand, but when your child has autism and you have people you feel at ease with, comfortable with, and love and they love your child and treat him/her like a person, they acknowledge them instead of ignore them, you appreciate that beyond what mere words could only ever attempt to describe. You cherish those people and when they turn out to be the opposite of everything they convinced you they were, it feels like red hot iron rod stabbing you straight through your heart. I've learned how much you think you know you really don't know shit. Most people are out for themselves and their concern and loyalty to stops the day you no longer meet their need for you. People are assholes.

Some don't understand why I try with certain people, why I give out chances when I clearly should walk away, it's my nature. I'm an empath, I'm a lover, if I care I care 100%. I hug those who hate me if I see them cry, I smile at an unfriendly face, it's what I do.
Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to respect myself and cut anyone out of my life who is toxic to my soul. I choose to live as me and not as what anyone else wants me to be.

I haven't been blogging as much over the last year. Our lives have been shaken, rocked, rolled, shredded and ginded. So much in such short time. I don't know where to start, im sorry to my dedicated followers whom I left during this time. I realise how much I need all of you, when I write I am relieving alot of things, and sharing the joys brings me happiness and when I share my trials and tribulations and help another in the process I can't describe the joy it brings me. This is my therapy but at its core I started this to reach others, to connect and to help any one feeling similar. You aren't alone. Your family is not alone, your child is not alone. Your child is winderful, your child is loved, your child is worth it!

Madasun recently endured a heartbreak that I can't quite go into with out choking on tears my self, but I'm almost finished with rthe piece and if anyone else out there is going through the same I hope this entry will help you and remind you how worth it you are. The ones who leave you are the ones who loose something valuable. Stay tuned....it's time to reorganize the toys before her majesty arrives!